This website is fictional and does not reflect any actual organization or person – except for Matthew Modine. But it’s a fictionalized version of Matthew Modine, so that kind of counts. Absolutely zero percent of all profits from tickets and merchandise sales go to benefit alpacas in need. But all ticket sales and a portion of merchandise sales do go to benefit the Geffen Playhouse – a bona fide 501(c)3 non-profit organization. No alpacas were harmed in the making of this website. © Geffen Playhouse 2009
Sep
11
Save the Alpacas supporters have been in full force on the streets of Los Angeles. Efforts culminated with a strong effort by BARF’s own Chairman of the Board and celebrity movie star, Matthew Modine who led two of his furry friends and supporters through the streets of Westwood Village this week. The mission: to save the alpacas! The reason: well… we’ll get back to you on that one.
More photos after the break.
Read more »
Sep
7
COQUIMBO, CHILE — A mysteriously shaved alpaca was reportedly seen running from the Bumba Hair and Pedicure Emporium in downtown Coquimbo early yesterday morning, stunning innocent bystanders who witnessed the partially shaved pack animal as it pranced across the towns Plaza Central and disappeared into the surrounding rough shrubbery.
Interviewed shortly after the sudden sighting, Salon proprietor Ms. Bumba admitted to the shaving, saying she read the flyer “Shave the Alpacas” and felt she could fulfill the cause’s plea with more style plus promote her business at the same time, adding, “The pedicure was a bonus, I had no intention of charging extra.”
Authorities declined to press charges against the puzzled Ms. Bumba and wrote off the matter as a simple misunderstanding. She was however cited with an official warning for violation of local statutes intended to discourage tasteless style statements. Citing in this case specifically, the bright pink nail polish accent to the double – necked poodle cut.
Bumba’s request to respond off the record was denied and as she walked away, she was overheard mumbling that she thought the alpaca looked really pretty and would attract a boyfriend easily.
Sep
4
Inspired by this week’s discoveries of alpaca remains at the Geffen Playhouse and in Chile, we started digging thorough our own archives. We found this very interesting article from nearly 30 years ago.
Researchers Postulate that Alpacas are Alien
NASA Gains New Hope in Finding Life in Outer Space
PERU – SEPTEMBER 1980 — A relative of author Carlos Casteneda, Ms. Castinets, points out that the elongated neck of the alpaca gave them a clear line of sight over great distances. “That’s the only way those Nazca lines could possibly be made. Natives were just too… let’s say, height challenged to see that far.” Ms. Castinets goes on, “The aliens must have accidentally left a few behind and they quickly populated the area, however they were unable to fully adapt to our earth’s climate and their population is in a serious decline.”
Ms. Castinets has asked SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) to send messages into space. She said, “Maybe if we call them, they will come back.”
Matthew Modine, movie star and Executive Director of the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF) has commented, “That’s too bad about the alpaca, but it seems they never belonged here anyway.”
Steven Spielberg has purchased the rights to produce a feature film and feels it could be a blockbuster.
Mr. Modine is looking into writing the screenplay and perhaps starring in the leading role.
Sep
4
Matthew Modine Attempts Alpaca Séance to Postpone Extinction
SANTIAGO, CHILE — While scraping the soil for a new native Chihunya development project, a skip loader uncovered an ancient burial site. Work was immediately halted and crew chief and translator Umberto Harmonies immediately contacted officials at the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF). “Judging from the contents of the burial pit, clearly this was a high level official or tribal leader” said Professor Jim Hornung, Provost and Chief Science Officer from the National Academy. He continued “Found were spiritual and totemic objects and small bone figurines, that’s my area of expertise.”
The professor identified them as alpaca and said they may have been used to communicate to the spirit world. Chairman of the Board and Executive Director of BARF, movie star Matthew Modine chimed in “If we could learn how to use these bone objects perhaps we too could commune with the spirit of the alpaca and gain insight into their extinction problem. Professor Hornung agreed. Mr. Modine had the objects sent to his Malibu estate for future study.
Sep
2
The Sheepdog-esque Appearance of Alpacas Contribute to Their Endangered Status
COLUMBIA — A leak from an undisclosed source in the Ecuadorian government has revealed information about their secret program to save the alpacas. Easily mistaken for a sheepdog with their long hair, “Supergene”, stud alpacas can easily mimic and mingle with sheepdogs. They go undetected and are not easily marked for abduction and in turn, are sold on the black market.
“Preservation of the species is of utmost importance. This way we can maintain secrecy and a strong gene pool, said Dr. Diego Pancarne.” Dr. Pancarne is unperturbed by the report from the South American Canine Society (SACS) that there has been an increase in sheepdog kidnappings. In a possibly related story, a Chinese South American Gourmet Foods Group based in Rio De Janiero, has seen an increase of 42% in their requests for their specialty canned product “dulceperro.”
Sep
1
Locals are Surprised that Alpacas have Soft Padded Feet Like Dogs
LOS ANGELES — Gardeners and maintenance crews were startled when they uncovered a large deposit of bones on the grounds of the Geffen Playhouse. While turning over the soil in the Geffen’s patio & garden and adding large amounts of fertilizer, maintenance crew made the unusual discovery.
An official from the National Academy of Geo-Historic Science (NAGHS) was notified. “We contacted the National Academy because of their experts in the field of osteological identification,” said Umberto Harmonies, Chief Information Officer from BARF. Previously the property was thought to be the site of a pet cemetery.
Professor Hornung, Director of Science for the National Academy immediately identified the bones as belonging to the endangered alpaca and in turn contacted the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF). This chance meeting resulted in a three-way partnership with the National Academy of Geo-Historic Science (NAGHS), The Foundation for Archeo-Art (FAART) and the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF).
With the combined strengths of these three groups NAGHS, BARF and FAART, we are sure to attract a lot of attention and find the cause of these alpaca deaths.
Aug
31
SURFING ALPACA SHREDS—Sammy, the surfing alpaca, is a familiar sight along the Southern California coast. Seen surfing as far north as Malibu and as far south as Point Loma, here Sammy casually carves the face at Swami’s in Encinitas. Photo by Vance De Peluca.
Animal rights activists and surfers around the world rejoiced yesterday when Sammy, The Surfin’ Alpaca, resurfaced after he was reported missing 7 days ago. Authorities still have no clue as to where the animal went or why he disappeared.
“We’re just glad he’s back,” said Lt. Lyle “Spud” Stickler of the San Diego County Sheriff’s Department.
Raised by dolphins after an alpaca transport ship, “Yarn Hauler of the Sea,” ran into submerged rocks and sank off the coast of Laguna Beach (CA), Sammy was the only survivor of the accident. Nicknamed by local surfers, the animal apparently cheated death by following dolphins out to sea instead of swimming toward the beach with the other 49 alpaca, which perished in the heavy, dangerous shore break.
While mystery continues to surround questions about how Sammy learned to surf, how Sammy finds a board is easy to observe. No matter how small or large the waves might be on any given day, surfers paddle out and lend him their boards.
According to Wade Ballesteros, of San Clemente (CA), “It’s like he one of us. Cool. Like totally mellow.”
[Via Voltwire PDF]
Aug
26
It looks like Monday’s horrific alpaca shavings may have been brought on by a simple misunderstanding.
Read the full press-release after the break.
Aug
24
We just received word from our correspondents in Ecuador that 24 alpacas were found shaved and disoriented on the outskirts of Quito. Details are scarce. We’ll update you as soon as we hear some new information.
UPDATE: An official press release has been issued regarding the 24 shaved alpacas. Read it after the break.
