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The Bi-coastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF) is pleased to announce the newly formed Russian chapter of our foundation inspired by Eugene Levin, General Secretary, Chairman, President and First Secretary of the Central Committee of the Russian Chapter of BARF. Mr. Levin’s motivation is to share with the world how alpacas have suffered from Bolsheviks and KGB.
Classified photo submitted by the Russian chapter of BARF shows Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin preparing “Big Red” alpaca for future battle against American imperialists.
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Inspired by this week’s discoveries of alpaca remains at the Geffen Playhouse and in Chile, we started digging thorough our own archives. We found this very interesting article from nearly 30 years ago.
Researchers Postulate that Alpacas are Alien
NASA Gains New Hope in Finding Life in Outer Space
PERU – SEPTEMBER 1980 — A relative of author Carlos Casteneda, Ms. Castinets, points out that the elongated neck of the alpaca gave them a clear line of sight over great distances. “That’s the only way those Nazca lines could possibly be made. Natives were just too… let’s say, height challenged to see that far.” Ms. Castinets goes on, “The aliens must have accidentally left a few behind and they quickly populated the area, however they were unable to fully adapt to our earth’s climate and their population is in a serious decline.”
Ms. Castinets has asked SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) to send messages into space. She said, “Maybe if we call them, they will come back.”
Matthew Modine, movie star and Executive Director of the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF) has commented, “That’s too bad about the alpaca, but it seems they never belonged here anyway.”
Steven Spielberg has purchased the rights to produce a feature film and feels it could be a blockbuster.
Mr. Modine is looking into writing the screenplay and perhaps starring in the leading role.
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Matthew Modine Attempts Alpaca Séance to Postpone Extinction
SANTIAGO, CHILE — While scraping the soil for a new native Chihunya development project, a skip loader uncovered an ancient burial site. Work was immediately halted and crew chief and translator Umberto Harmonies immediately contacted officials at the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF). “Judging from the contents of the burial pit, clearly this was a high level official or tribal leader” said Professor Jim Hornung, Provost and Chief Science Officer from the National Academy. He continued “Found were spiritual and totemic objects and small bone figurines, that’s my area of expertise.”
The professor identified them as alpaca and said they may have been used to communicate to the spirit world. Chairman of the Board and Executive Director of BARF, movie star Matthew Modine chimed in “If we could learn how to use these bone objects perhaps we too could commune with the spirit of the alpaca and gain insight into their extinction problem. Professor Hornung agreed. Mr. Modine had the objects sent to his Malibu estate for future study.
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The Sheepdog-esque Appearance of Alpacas Contribute to Their Endangered Status
COLUMBIA — A leak from an undisclosed source in the Ecuadorian government has revealed information about their secret program to save the alpacas. Easily mistaken for a sheepdog with their long hair, “Supergene”, stud alpacas can easily mimic and mingle with sheepdogs. They go undetected and are not easily marked for abduction and in turn, are sold on the black market.
“Preservation of the species is of utmost importance. This way we can maintain secrecy and a strong gene pool, said Dr. Diego Pancarne.” Dr. Pancarne is unperturbed by the report from the South American Canine Society (SACS) that there has been an increase in sheepdog kidnappings. In a possibly related story, a Chinese South American Gourmet Foods Group based in Rio De Janiero, has seen an increase of 42% in their requests for their specialty canned product “dulceperro.”
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Locals are Surprised that Alpacas have Soft Padded Feet Like Dogs
LOS ANGELES — Gardeners and maintenance crews were startled when they uncovered a large deposit of bones on the grounds of the Geffen Playhouse. While turning over the soil in the Geffen’s patio & garden and adding large amounts of fertilizer, maintenance crew made the unusual discovery.
An official from the National Academy of Geo-Historic Science (NAGHS) was notified. “We contacted the National Academy because of their experts in the field of osteological identification,” said Umberto Harmonies, Chief Information Officer from BARF. Previously the property was thought to be the site of a pet cemetery.
Professor Hornung, Director of Science for the National Academy immediately identified the bones as belonging to the endangered alpaca and in turn contacted the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF). This chance meeting resulted in a three-way partnership with the National Academy of Geo-Historic Science (NAGHS), The Foundation for Archeo-Art (FAART) and the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF).
With the combined strengths of these three groups NAGHS, BARF and FAART, we are sure to attract a lot of attention and find the cause of these alpaca deaths.
