While flying on an acrobatic exercise, Matthew Modine, pilot, actor, and Executive Director of BARF discovered giant alpaca monoliths carved from volcanic rock on an isolated remote Island thousands of miles from nowhere. The uncharted Island, masked from radar by powerful magnetic fields was the home to sculptural alpaca carvings erupting from the earth in a symbolic gesture for the birthing of a new cosmic age. All facing east, and focused toward the tiny village of Coquimbo, on the Chilean coast thousands of kilometers away, these giant idols add to and amplify the enigma of the alpaca.

Celestial visitors with interplanetary travel capability? Government secret experiments? A race of super quadrupeds from another dimension? Many theories abound but none crystallize into an all encompassing answer to the larger questions which may be subject to speculation forever.

With funding from National Osographic Magazine, Mr. Modine will lead a team of the world’s top archeologists and Hollywood celebrities to research the site and collect samples for their gardens.

South Americans celebrated the birthday of the world’s oldest living alpaca, Happy Pappy, who turned 140 in alpaca years on October 6, 2009 in the mountainous remote village of Hucumbreneezenexochub. Still standing on all four legs and able to chew his cud, Happy Pappy had absolutely no explanation as to the reason for his lengthy longevity and did not appear to be aware of his surroundings. Geriatric experts have reasoned that “He’s just living life to the fullest.”

Many so-called scientists have speculated that Happy Pappy’s environment has put him in danger. He could have been hit by a car or wagon, but that has not happened.  He could have been crushed by a huge falling boulder, but that has not happened either.

Many things could have happened to Happy Pappy but they haven’t. Only one has and that is that he has lived. He’s a survivor.  A celebration of sorts organized by BARF is planned for the aging alpaca.

Crowds at the 10th annual skate invitational held in the X-treme Sports Pavilion were shocked when competitors and seeded champions were upset by the extreme performance of a radical skating alpaca.

The alpaca, given the moniker “Skippy” by the cheering crowds came from behind and scored perfect numbers in all heats from preliminary rounds to the finals to win an impressive victory over defending champion ‘Shinbone” McHardhead, who was in dumbstruck admiration and shock from the previously unknown competitor’s show of skill and agility.

McHardhead said, “He’s really a radical oidical dude, no pads, no helmet and he pulls the most truly awesome, double ollie air 360 barrel roll with the grace of a four legged ballerina. He’s awesome!”

Sporting goods manufacturers Fastmetal, Billybomb and Tornwave are stumbling over themselves offering Skippy sponsorships and a line of personally labeled apparel and equipment.

Classified photo submitted by the Russian chapter of BARF shows Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin preparing “Big Red” alpaca for future battle against American imperialists.

More photos after the break.

COQUIMBO, CHILE — A mysteriously shaved alpaca was reportedly seen running from the Bumba Hair and Pedicure Emporium in downtown Coquimbo early yesterday morning, stunning innocent bystanders who witnessed the partially shaved pack animal as it pranced across the towns Plaza Central and disappeared into the surrounding rough shrubbery.

Interviewed shortly after the sudden sighting, Salon proprietor Ms. Bumba admitted to the shaving, saying she read the flyer “Shave the Alpacas” and felt she could fulfill the cause’s plea with more style plus promote her business at the same time, adding, “The pedicure was a bonus, I had no intention of charging extra.”

Authorities declined to press charges against the puzzled Ms. Bumba and wrote off the matter as a simple misunderstanding. She was however cited with an official warning for violation of local statutes intended to discourage tasteless style statements. Citing in this case specifically, the bright pink nail polish accent to the double – necked poodle cut.

Bumba’s request to respond off the record was denied and as she walked away, she was overheard mumbling that she thought the alpaca looked really pretty and would attract a boyfriend easily.

Researchers Postulate that Alpacas are Alien
NASA Gains New Hope in Finding Life in Outer Space

PERU – SEPTEMBER 1980 — A relative of author Carlos Casteneda, Ms. Castinets, points out that the elongated neck of the alpaca gave them a clear line of sight over great distances. “That’s the only way those Nazca lines could possibly be made. Natives were just too… let’s say, height challenged to see that far.” Ms. Castinets goes on, “The aliens must have accidentally left a few behind and they quickly populated the area, however they were unable to fully adapt to our earth’s climate and their population is in a serious decline.”

Ms. Castinets has asked SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) to send messages into space. She said, “Maybe if we call them, they will come back.”

Matthew Modine, movie star and Executive Director of the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF) has commented, “That’s too bad about the alpaca, but it seems they never belonged here anyway.”

Steven Spielberg has purchased the rights to produce a feature film and feels it could be a blockbuster.

Mr. Modine is looking into writing the screenplay and perhaps starring in the leading role.

Matthew Modine Attempts Alpaca Séance to Postpone Extinction

SANTIAGO, CHILE — While scraping the soil for a new native Chihunya development project, a skip loader uncovered an ancient burial site. Work was immediately halted and crew chief and translator Umberto Harmonies immediately contacted officials at the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF). “Judging from the contents of the burial pit, clearly this was a high level official or tribal leader” said Professor Jim Hornung, Provost and Chief Science Officer from the National Academy. He continued “Found were spiritual and totemic objects and small bone figurines, that’s my area of expertise.”

The professor identified them as alpaca and said they may have been used to communicate to the spirit world. Chairman of the Board and Executive Director of BARF, movie star Matthew Modine chimed in “If we could learn how to use these bone objects perhaps we too could commune with the spirit of the alpaca and gain insight into their extinction problem. Professor Hornung agreed. Mr. Modine had the objects sent to his Malibu estate for future study.

The Sheepdog-esque Appearance of Alpacas Contribute to Their Endangered Status

COLUMBIA — A leak from an undisclosed source in the Ecuadorian government has revealed information about their secret program to save the alpacas. Easily mistaken for a sheepdog with their long hair, “Supergene”, stud alpacas can easily mimic and mingle with sheepdogs. They go undetected and are not easily marked for abduction and in turn, are sold on the black market.

“Preservation of the species is of utmost importance. This way we can maintain secrecy and a strong gene pool, said Dr. Diego Pancarne.” Dr. Pancarne is unperturbed by the report from the South American Canine Society (SACS) that there has been an increase in sheepdog kidnappings. In a possibly related story, a Chinese South American Gourmet Foods Group based in Rio De Janiero, has seen an increase of 42% in their requests for their specialty canned product “dulceperro.”

LOS ANGELES — Gardeners and maintenance crews were startled when they uncovered a large deposit of bones on the grounds of the Geffen Playhouse. While turning over the soil in the Geffen’s patio & garden and adding large amounts of fertilizer, maintenance crew made the unusual discovery.

An official from the National Academy of Geo-Historic Science (NAGHS) was notified. “We contacted the National Academy because of their experts in the field of osteological identification,” said Umberto Harmonies, Chief Information Officer from BARF. Previously the property was thought to be the site of a pet cemetery.

Professor Hornung, Director of Science for the National Academy immediately identified the bones as belonging to the endangered alpaca and in turn contacted the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF). This chance meeting resulted in a three-way partnership with the National Academy of Geo-Historic Science (NAGHS), The Foundation for Archeo-Art (FAART) and the Bicoastal Alpaca Research Foundation (BARF).

With the combined strengths of these three groups NAGHS, BARF and FAART, we are sure to attract a lot of attention and find the cause of these alpaca deaths.