While flying on an acrobatic exercise, Matthew Modine, pilot, actor, and Executive Director of BARF discovered giant alpaca monoliths carved from volcanic rock on an isolated remote Island thousands of miles from nowhere. The uncharted Island, masked from radar by powerful magnetic fields was the home to sculptural alpaca carvings erupting from the earth in a symbolic gesture for the birthing of a new cosmic age. All facing east, and focused toward the tiny village of Coquimbo, on the Chilean coast thousands of kilometers away, these giant idols add to and amplify the enigma of the alpaca.

Celestial visitors with interplanetary travel capability? Government secret experiments? A race of super quadrupeds from another dimension? Many theories abound but none crystallize into an all encompassing answer to the larger questions which may be subject to speculation forever.

With funding from National Osographic Magazine, Mr. Modine will lead a team of the world’s top archeologists and Hollywood celebrities to research the site and collect samples for their gardens.

Simply reverse the formula to calculate your human years into alpaca years.

South Americans celebrated the birthday of the world’s oldest living alpaca, Happy Pappy, who turned 140 in alpaca years on October 6, 2009 in the mountainous remote village of Hucumbreneezenexochub. Still standing on all four legs and able to chew his cud, Happy Pappy had absolutely no explanation as to the reason for his lengthy longevity and did not appear to be aware of his surroundings. Geriatric experts have reasoned that “He’s just living life to the fullest.”

Many so-called scientists have speculated that Happy Pappy’s environment has put him in danger. He could have been hit by a car or wagon, but that has not happened.  He could have been crushed by a huge falling boulder, but that has not happened either.

Many things could have happened to Happy Pappy but they haven’t. Only one has and that is that he has lived. He’s a survivor.  A celebration of sorts organized by BARF is planned for the aging alpaca.

Crowds at the 10th annual skate invitational held in the X-treme Sports Pavilion were shocked when competitors and seeded champions were upset by the extreme performance of a radical skating alpaca.

The alpaca, given the moniker “Skippy” by the cheering crowds came from behind and scored perfect numbers in all heats from preliminary rounds to the finals to win an impressive victory over defending champion ‘Shinbone” McHardhead, who was in dumbstruck admiration and shock from the previously unknown competitor’s show of skill and agility.

McHardhead said, “He’s really a radical oidical dude, no pads, no helmet and he pulls the most truly awesome, double ollie air 360 barrel roll with the grace of a four legged ballerina. He’s awesome!”

Sporting goods manufacturers Fastmetal, Billybomb and Tornwave are stumbling over themselves offering Skippy sponsorships and a line of personally labeled apparel and equipment.

• You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, alpaca?
• Keep your friends close, but your alpacas closer.
• Hasta la vista, alpaca.
• Open the pod bay doors, alpaca.
• Tell ‘em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the alpaca.
• I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little alpaca too!
• Show me the alpacas!
• May the alpaca be with you.
• “Somewhere over the alpaca…”

5. “Look Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings, an alpaca gets its wings.”
4. “Soylent Green is alpacas!”
3. “Here’s looking at you alpaca.”
2. “I love the smell of alpacas in the morning.”
1. “We’re gonna need a bigger alpaca.”

10. “Is that an alpaca on your helmet soldier?”
9. “Follow the yellow alpaca.”
8. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give an alpaca.”
7. “Luke, I am your alpaca.”
6. “If you build it, the alpacas will come.”

Check back later in the week for the Top 5.

15. “You had me at ‘alpaca’.”
14. “Today, I consider myself the luckiest alpaca on the face of the earth.”
13. “Get your stinkin’ paws off me, you damn dirty alpaca.”
12. “Houston, we have an alpaca.”
11. “Say hello to my little alpaca.”

Check back later in the week for the Top 10.

1. Alpacas were a cherished treasure of the ancient Incan civilization and played a central role in the Incan culture. (This is particularly the case for the Chimborazzi tribe of Ecuador whose entire civilization rests upon the health of their alpacas.)
2. Alpacas were first imported to the United States in 1984. (Their arrival in America was only slightly overshadowed by UB40’s remake of ‘Red Red Wine’ and the release of ‘Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.’)
3. Alpacas have no top teeth in the front. (This is one the animal’s biggest selling points – no teeth = no biting VIP guests.)
4. The average height of an alpaca is 36″ at the withers, and they weigh from 100 to 175 pounds. (Big bonus points if you know where their withers are …)
5. The alpaca does not usually eat or destroy trees, preferring tender grasses, which it does not pull up by the roots. (Their preferred drink of choice is a venti half-caf chai tea latte, extra hot – hold the foam.)
6. Alpacas make communal “poop piles,” choosing favorite locations which they all use. (Really?)
7. South American Indians use alpaca dung for fuel and gardeners find the alpaca’s rich fertilizer perfect for growing fruits and vegetables. (Matthew Modine agrees with all of the above.)
8. The average life span of an alpaca is between 15 to 20 years. (Please note: this number is drastically altered – for the worse – should you use hand sanitizer in their presence.)
9. An alpaca’s gestation period is 11 to 12 months, and they have single births. (Inspired by the instant fame of Octomom, some more adventurous alpaca are exploring fertility “alternatives.”)
10. A baby alpaca is called a cria. (But should you save one via BARF, we give you permission to call it whatever you want.)